My Weight Loss Journey: 4/10/11

I have decided to do monthly posts until I catch up because so many serious changes have occurred in my thoughts and lifestyle I just want to be sure ans share them all with ya...

So at Cooper's 5th Bday, I got some really fantastic compliments from family and friends. somehow someway it motivated me to go back to WW. So I did... I was super nervous and embarrassed bc I hadn't been since December. I am pretty sure they are used to it, but I had run out of excuses as to why I hadn't been so i just sucked it up and went. WOW! I had only gained 1.2 pounds in 2 months. I knew then that even if i slipped up, I had to persevere and quit jacking around with this or it would be a life long struggle. I started back on WW and it was like I had to start all over again with the mental positive self talking!!! I do not know about all of you guys that struggle with negative self talk, but it consumes you 100%. I found myself nagging myself. Talk about a goober...I started back on WW and started sailing.

I want to take a break and talk about what my starting over on WW did to the people around me. I often find myself lashing out, over reacting, and just plain hateful when I start on a "DIET". I do not know why... maybe it is the lack of what I think i need, or the fact that I have gotten myself to this point of HAVE TO lose weight.. or maybe the fact that they can eat whatever they want and it just doesn't cause them to become obese. You know we have all done it.... wished the skinny girl would go to bed and wake up fatter than fat!!!! LOL!!! Maybe not that bad, but just a little... please God...

It took a while for me to quit with the anger and lashing out.... (Forgive me Jason and co-workers). I guess it just caused me to get upset with myself mainly because I was the only person in the world responsible for gaining the weight and now I was the only one responsible for losing it...

Jan-Feb 2011

Before I get started I have to comment on some feedback that I have received. The support is absolutely overwhelming. I have shed some tears (joyful), anger, fear, and most of all humbleness. I am truly touched by the impact that my story has had on others thus far. I am overwhelmed with excitement to share this journey with you. Now to those in my life that have been there with me from the beginning of my life... I place no blame, harbor hard feelings, have any anger or anything cross in mind. I have made my choices while knowing the right and correct way to choose. I have chosen to eat when not hungry, lay on the couch and not exercise, and eat my emotions away with whatever will fit in my big ole mouth. So please read with open heart filled with excitement and joy and pride. I am so very thankful for my family.... I am who I am because of you!! I love you!

So as I said on my last post this (obesity) started to get to me and I knew I needed to do something and quick. I always thought I would have at least 3 children and it is taking an act of Congress to have another one.

I chose to include the first three months on the new diet plan mainly for speed reasons. I started HCG on August 23 and by the first week I had already lost 15 pounds. I decided to switch to WW because I was out of control in the skanky department because of my attitude. I felt so out of control. I made myself miserable... not to mention my attitude towards everyone was horrible. When we experience true deprivation we get really mean. That was me, taking out all of my anger out on anyone and everyone. I was mad, mad, mad. I was mad because I was overweight and huge, I was mad because I could not eat what I wanted, mad bc all the skinny girls could eat whatever and whenever and never feel a thing. I was bitter, resentful, and most of all miserable.

I have to thank my husband and child for not giving up on me. I spent most of my time in the early days moping around the house. I laid on the couch, laid in the bed, or just whined about everything. I should probably mention that i felt very guilty for letting myself get like i was. I was embarrassed at the degree of low self esteem and confidence that i had. On the outside Emily was great all the time and felt like a gem... on the inside Emily was dying, crying, and just plain angry.

I set a goal to lose 40 pounds before our 10 year anniversary trip to Playa del Carmen. This was the first time that i actually set a goal and accomplished it. Weight wise that is! I lost 43 pounds before mexico. I bought new swimming suits, capris, dresses and oh yeah nighties too!!! (TMI I KNOW) We had a great time, but I came back with the mindset that I could be on vacation and eat what I wanted all day long and still lose weight. Really Em, get a grip. Well the grip talk didn't work. I fell into a slump and it took 1.5 months to get out of it.

I was numb emotionally to what I was experiencing. I believe int he dieters world that is called yo-yo dieting. I spent so much time and effort on just waiting for the motivation to show up. Not to mention, I was scared so bad that i would gain it all back. BUT I felt extremely hopeless. I felt like I was spinning out of control and I was on the verge of blowing up. When we got back from Mexico, I still exercised, but ate everything in site.... yes everything!!! I knew I had to get back but I was embarrassed to go back to WW because I had missed so many meetings. I had run out of excuses too as to why I gained weight.

A word on negativity. My middle name is Negative. I have struggled with that my whole life. Please someone who is reading this, give me feedback as to why women who are obese feel like they are worthless of love, success, and beauty.

More to come on the mushy stuff...