Today I am happy to report that I woke up finally excited and PROUD of what I have done. I hit 75 pounds today. Wow! 75 pounds. I am so pumped and ready to finish this journey. I went to weight watchers today with a heavy heart. I was excited, but wanted help for the consistent stress levels that I have been feeling. I got emotional and was also recognized for my accomplishments. I left the meeting feeling rejuvenated and ready to kick the rest of these pounds. I found out today that my goal weight is 124-155. OMG!! My response to that was: Hell I am going to be dead when I meet my blood pressure, cholesterol, and blood sugar ranges, and not to mention my weight of 155. That seems unattainable. I mean I came out of the womb weighing 200!!! Lol. I am going to focus on the 10% number of what I weigh now. I am a bit upset that my goal of being done by September will not be accurate but just how cool would it be if I lost 150 pounds??!!
I will not settle for negativity anymore. I will not settle for than less than my absolute best!!! It's on people!!!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
April 2011
Here I am again... A lot to talk about this post...
I have struggled something serious this past month. I am still losing weight, but I have been so overwhelmed by the process. I mean I spoke earlier about the negativity that I feel towards myself and I am working on those feelings. I can not help to take notice of the way people treat me now. I may be imagining this, but here goes some sort of explanation. I am very good at my occupation as a registered nurse. I am able to complete this job no matter the task. I have recently had more respect and less negative comments about my performance as co-workers are seeing me in a different light. It definetly may be the fact that I am more vocal and opinionated (I know hard to believe). Here lately, I get more looks out in public from all different types of people... I guess I felt invisible. I am saying that there are more issues as I lose weight than I imagined there would be. No one prepares you for this when you start changing your lifestyle. I want to feel on the inside like many of the people in my life see on the outside. When I look in the mirror I still see a 300 pound woman.
This past month was a very emotional one. For as long as I can remember, I have based my status in life upon my weight. I have judged my ability to conquer obstacles based on my ideas of how my weight was holding me back. I was forced to develope a strong personality early in my life due to the issues that I thought everyone else had with my weight. So now I struggling with who I really am. I mean I am outspoken and sometimes funny and very compassionate towards others, but who is this person that does not feel like she has to hide behind her size any more??? It is very upsetting to think that my weight has caused so many freaking issues within my heart. However, I am steadily moving forward.
On a positive note, I am told weekly if not daily that my drive and desire to lose weight has inspired so many others. The reason I chose to bear it all on here is so that I could motivate someone else to do what I have done. My prayer is that my emotional issues will help someone who feels the same way succeed just as I have. As of today I am down 74.8 pounds and I so excited to reach my goal. I have approximately 50 more pounds to go. I am trying to focus on the changes in my life rather than the road needing to be traveled (if that makes any sense).
Soap box: Just because someone loses weight does not mean they are trying to leave their spouse, get prepared for a life of partying and adultry. I had an emotional breakdown 2 weeks ago because I overheard a co-worker make a comment about my intentions. If you want to piss me off just question my motives. I am a honest, hardworking, fair, and loyal friend, nurse and wife. If anyone has questioned my reasoning, please know that my intentions are to eliminate my diabetes, hypertension, and increased risk for high cholesterol. Simply put, I want to be healthy. NO I do not want your husband or boyfriend!!! But thanks for giving me the credit that I could actually steal them away from you.... HA HA!!
I am thankful for the support I have and believe me the comments on my facebook 2 weeks ago truly touched me... thank you!
I have struggled something serious this past month. I am still losing weight, but I have been so overwhelmed by the process. I mean I spoke earlier about the negativity that I feel towards myself and I am working on those feelings. I can not help to take notice of the way people treat me now. I may be imagining this, but here goes some sort of explanation. I am very good at my occupation as a registered nurse. I am able to complete this job no matter the task. I have recently had more respect and less negative comments about my performance as co-workers are seeing me in a different light. It definetly may be the fact that I am more vocal and opinionated (I know hard to believe). Here lately, I get more looks out in public from all different types of people... I guess I felt invisible. I am saying that there are more issues as I lose weight than I imagined there would be. No one prepares you for this when you start changing your lifestyle. I want to feel on the inside like many of the people in my life see on the outside. When I look in the mirror I still see a 300 pound woman.
This past month was a very emotional one. For as long as I can remember, I have based my status in life upon my weight. I have judged my ability to conquer obstacles based on my ideas of how my weight was holding me back. I was forced to develope a strong personality early in my life due to the issues that I thought everyone else had with my weight. So now I struggling with who I really am. I mean I am outspoken and sometimes funny and very compassionate towards others, but who is this person that does not feel like she has to hide behind her size any more??? It is very upsetting to think that my weight has caused so many freaking issues within my heart. However, I am steadily moving forward.
On a positive note, I am told weekly if not daily that my drive and desire to lose weight has inspired so many others. The reason I chose to bear it all on here is so that I could motivate someone else to do what I have done. My prayer is that my emotional issues will help someone who feels the same way succeed just as I have. As of today I am down 74.8 pounds and I so excited to reach my goal. I have approximately 50 more pounds to go. I am trying to focus on the changes in my life rather than the road needing to be traveled (if that makes any sense).
Soap box: Just because someone loses weight does not mean they are trying to leave their spouse, get prepared for a life of partying and adultry. I had an emotional breakdown 2 weeks ago because I overheard a co-worker make a comment about my intentions. If you want to piss me off just question my motives. I am a honest, hardworking, fair, and loyal friend, nurse and wife. If anyone has questioned my reasoning, please know that my intentions are to eliminate my diabetes, hypertension, and increased risk for high cholesterol. Simply put, I want to be healthy. NO I do not want your husband or boyfriend!!! But thanks for giving me the credit that I could actually steal them away from you.... HA HA!!
I am thankful for the support I have and believe me the comments on my facebook 2 weeks ago truly touched me... thank you!
Monday, April 18, 2011
March 2011
So now school has started again and I am already overwhelmed. I am doing great on WW. I am exercising and eating right. This is a huge step for me because I can never get them on the same track.
I lost 11.6 pounds this month and I am super excited to keep it going. On March 26, 2011 I started running. I could only run about 2 minutes at a time, but I knew i had to step up the exercise game. What I did not know was that the dreaded plateau was just around the corner. I feared this moment in my weight loss journey because in the past this was the time that broke me. This was the time that I gave up and went right back to falling into old habits. I couldn't stand the thought of it, so I just quit thinking about it.
I set a goal of running a 5K by May 21. 2011 which is the WW national walk it off day. I set out to achieve this goal. I have to stop a minute and shout out to Dana and Gini about their support and guidance during these last 2 months. These two precious ladies have put my bootie to working out with them. I already had an exercise plan going, but we all know it is better with a buddy. And what better buddies than 2 skinny gals to keep me motivated.
I ran every day for a week. I started feeling fantastic.... but something changed in me. I started starving for anything and everything. I guess it is called metabolism.... something this ole girl has never had. Well if metabolism keeps you hungry all the time, then I do not want any part of it. What is even more irritating is this would be when I started the biggest plateau of my life.
I will stop here and speak about negative thoughts that I harbor. I talked about it briefly in a past post, but I want everyone to hear exactly what I mean. I struggle with accepting compliments. I can not simply say thank you rather I spout out a negative aspect about the compliment. Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that if you can not accept a compliment then people won't give them to you. I have been told so many times "Emily, just say thank you!" How embarrassing is that!?!?! I get so caught up in the head game of it all and it starts to weigh me down. I spend 90% of the time trying to change my thoughts about myself. I am difficult on myself and expect only perfection. I get very angry with myself and often cut myself down to myself..........now that sounds healthy huh?
What I am getting at is I constantly tell myself that I am not going to make it until the end of this journey. I mean I have 80 more pounds to lose. I can not get out of this state of being and if I do I will end right back up where i have ended for the past 18 years. I mean really, Emily can't you just be positive? Well, I really do think that I can; however, it is taking time. I spend a lot of time comparing myself to everyone else. I am embarrassed of the state of obesity that I allowed myself to get to. i want to show the world the progress I have made, I just feel so mortified of the thoughts that others will think when they see those pictures.
I had a dear friend look me in the eye and tell me "Oh my god Emily, you were getting so huge." As bad as that tore me up inside, I knew it was the truth. I am going to start inserting pictures every month so that maybe I can see the progress and start trying to focus on the good and focus on the good to come once I reach my goal...
I lost 11.6 pounds this month and I am super excited to keep it going. On March 26, 2011 I started running. I could only run about 2 minutes at a time, but I knew i had to step up the exercise game. What I did not know was that the dreaded plateau was just around the corner. I feared this moment in my weight loss journey because in the past this was the time that broke me. This was the time that I gave up and went right back to falling into old habits. I couldn't stand the thought of it, so I just quit thinking about it.
I set a goal of running a 5K by May 21. 2011 which is the WW national walk it off day. I set out to achieve this goal. I have to stop a minute and shout out to Dana and Gini about their support and guidance during these last 2 months. These two precious ladies have put my bootie to working out with them. I already had an exercise plan going, but we all know it is better with a buddy. And what better buddies than 2 skinny gals to keep me motivated.
I ran every day for a week. I started feeling fantastic.... but something changed in me. I started starving for anything and everything. I guess it is called metabolism.... something this ole girl has never had. Well if metabolism keeps you hungry all the time, then I do not want any part of it. What is even more irritating is this would be when I started the biggest plateau of my life.
I will stop here and speak about negative thoughts that I harbor. I talked about it briefly in a past post, but I want everyone to hear exactly what I mean. I struggle with accepting compliments. I can not simply say thank you rather I spout out a negative aspect about the compliment. Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that if you can not accept a compliment then people won't give them to you. I have been told so many times "Emily, just say thank you!" How embarrassing is that!?!?! I get so caught up in the head game of it all and it starts to weigh me down. I spend 90% of the time trying to change my thoughts about myself. I am difficult on myself and expect only perfection. I get very angry with myself and often cut myself down to myself..........now that sounds healthy huh?
What I am getting at is I constantly tell myself that I am not going to make it until the end of this journey. I mean I have 80 more pounds to lose. I can not get out of this state of being and if I do I will end right back up where i have ended for the past 18 years. I mean really, Emily can't you just be positive? Well, I really do think that I can; however, it is taking time. I spend a lot of time comparing myself to everyone else. I am embarrassed of the state of obesity that I allowed myself to get to. i want to show the world the progress I have made, I just feel so mortified of the thoughts that others will think when they see those pictures.
I had a dear friend look me in the eye and tell me "Oh my god Emily, you were getting so huge." As bad as that tore me up inside, I knew it was the truth. I am going to start inserting pictures every month so that maybe I can see the progress and start trying to focus on the good and focus on the good to come once I reach my goal...
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| March 2011 |
Saturday, April 16, 2011
February 2011
I have decided to do monthly posts until I catch up because so many serious changes have occurred in my thoughts and lifestyle I just want to be sure ans share them all with ya...
So at Cooper's 5th Bday, I got some really fantastic compliments from family and friends. somehow someway it motivated me to go back to WW. So I did... I was super nervous and embarrassed bc I hadn't been since December. I am pretty sure they are used to it, but I had run out of excuses as to why I hadn't been so i just sucked it up and went. WOW! I had only gained 1.2 pounds in 2 months. I knew then that even if i slipped up, I had to persevere and quit jacking around with this or it would be a life long struggle. I started back on WW and it was like I had to start all over again with the mental positive self talking!!! I do not know about all of you guys that struggle with negative self talk, but it consumes you 100%. I found myself nagging myself. Talk about a goober...I started back on WW and started sailing.
I want to take a break and talk about what my starting over on WW did to the people around me. I often find myself lashing out, over reacting, and just plain hateful when I start on a "DIET". I do not know why... maybe it is the lack of what I think i need, or the fact that I have gotten myself to this point of HAVE TO lose weight.. or maybe the fact that they can eat whatever they want and it just doesn't cause them to become obese. You know we have all done it.... wished the skinny girl would go to bed and wake up fatter than fat!!!! LOL!!! Maybe not that bad, but just a little... please God...
It took a while for me to quit with the anger and lashing out.... (Forgive me Jason and co-workers). I guess it just caused me to get upset with myself mainly because I was the only person in the world responsible for gaining the weight and now I was the only one responsible for losing it...
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| Jan-Feb 2011 |
September 2010 - January 2011
Before I get started I have to comment on some feedback that I have received. The support is absolutely overwhelming. I have shed some tears (joyful), anger, fear, and most of all humbleness. I am truly touched by the impact that my story has had on others thus far. I am overwhelmed with excitement to share this journey with you. Now to those in my life that have been there with me from the beginning of my life... I place no blame, harbor hard feelings, have any anger or anything cross in mind. I have made my choices while knowing the right and correct way to choose. I have chosen to eat when not hungry, lay on the couch and not exercise, and eat my emotions away with whatever will fit in my big ole mouth. So please read with open heart filled with excitement and joy and pride. I am so very thankful for my family.... I am who I am because of you!! I love you!
So as I said on my last post this (obesity) started to get to me and I knew I needed to do something and quick. I always thought I would have at least 3 children and it is taking an act of Congress to have another one.
I chose to include the first three months on the new diet plan mainly for speed reasons. I started HCG on August 23 and by the first week I had already lost 15 pounds. I decided to switch to WW because I was out of control in the skanky department because of my attitude. I felt so out of control. I made myself miserable... not to mention my attitude towards everyone was horrible. When we experience true deprivation we get really mean. That was me, taking out all of my anger out on anyone and everyone. I was mad, mad, mad. I was mad because I was overweight and huge, I was mad because I could not eat what I wanted, mad bc all the skinny girls could eat whatever and whenever and never feel a thing. I was bitter, resentful, and most of all miserable.
I have to thank my husband and child for not giving up on me. I spent most of my time in the early days moping around the house. I laid on the couch, laid in the bed, or just whined about everything. I should probably mention that i felt very guilty for letting myself get like i was. I was embarrassed at the degree of low self esteem and confidence that i had. On the outside Emily was great all the time and felt like a gem... on the inside Emily was dying, crying, and just plain angry.
I set a goal to lose 40 pounds before our 10 year anniversary trip to Playa del Carmen. This was the first time that i actually set a goal and accomplished it. Weight wise that is! I lost 43 pounds before mexico. I bought new swimming suits, capris, dresses and oh yeah nighties too!!! (TMI I KNOW) We had a great time, but I came back with the mindset that I could be on vacation and eat what I wanted all day long and still lose weight. Really Em, get a grip. Well the grip talk didn't work. I fell into a slump and it took 1.5 months to get out of it.
I was numb emotionally to what I was experiencing. I believe int he dieters world that is called yo-yo dieting. I spent so much time and effort on just waiting for the motivation to show up. Not to mention, I was scared so bad that i would gain it all back. BUT I felt extremely hopeless. I felt like I was spinning out of control and I was on the verge of blowing up. When we got back from Mexico, I still exercised, but ate everything in site.... yes everything!!! I knew I had to get back but I was embarrassed to go back to WW because I had missed so many meetings. I had run out of excuses too as to why I gained weight.
A word on negativity. My middle name is Negative. I have struggled with that my whole life. Please someone who is reading this, give me feedback as to why women who are obese feel like they are worthless of love, success, and beauty.
More to come on the mushy stuff...
So as I said on my last post this (obesity) started to get to me and I knew I needed to do something and quick. I always thought I would have at least 3 children and it is taking an act of Congress to have another one.
I chose to include the first three months on the new diet plan mainly for speed reasons. I started HCG on August 23 and by the first week I had already lost 15 pounds. I decided to switch to WW because I was out of control in the skanky department because of my attitude. I felt so out of control. I made myself miserable... not to mention my attitude towards everyone was horrible. When we experience true deprivation we get really mean. That was me, taking out all of my anger out on anyone and everyone. I was mad, mad, mad. I was mad because I was overweight and huge, I was mad because I could not eat what I wanted, mad bc all the skinny girls could eat whatever and whenever and never feel a thing. I was bitter, resentful, and most of all miserable.
I have to thank my husband and child for not giving up on me. I spent most of my time in the early days moping around the house. I laid on the couch, laid in the bed, or just whined about everything. I should probably mention that i felt very guilty for letting myself get like i was. I was embarrassed at the degree of low self esteem and confidence that i had. On the outside Emily was great all the time and felt like a gem... on the inside Emily was dying, crying, and just plain angry.
I set a goal to lose 40 pounds before our 10 year anniversary trip to Playa del Carmen. This was the first time that i actually set a goal and accomplished it. Weight wise that is! I lost 43 pounds before mexico. I bought new swimming suits, capris, dresses and oh yeah nighties too!!! (TMI I KNOW) We had a great time, but I came back with the mindset that I could be on vacation and eat what I wanted all day long and still lose weight. Really Em, get a grip. Well the grip talk didn't work. I fell into a slump and it took 1.5 months to get out of it.
I was numb emotionally to what I was experiencing. I believe int he dieters world that is called yo-yo dieting. I spent so much time and effort on just waiting for the motivation to show up. Not to mention, I was scared so bad that i would gain it all back. BUT I felt extremely hopeless. I felt like I was spinning out of control and I was on the verge of blowing up. When we got back from Mexico, I still exercised, but ate everything in site.... yes everything!!! I knew I had to get back but I was embarrassed to go back to WW because I had missed so many meetings. I had run out of excuses too as to why I gained weight.
A word on negativity. My middle name is Negative. I have struggled with that my whole life. Please someone who is reading this, give me feedback as to why women who are obese feel like they are worthless of love, success, and beauty.
More to come on the mushy stuff...
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| September 2010 |
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| October 2010 |
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| November 2010 |
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| December 2010 |
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| Jan 2011 |
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| Anniversary Trip - Jan 2011 |
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| 10 yr Anniversary Trip - Jan 2011 |
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| Anniv. trip - Jan 2011 |
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Getting started.... Aug 22, 2010
Well this is about 8 months late... but here we go.
I have struggled my entire adult life with obesity. I guess it started back in 1996'ish when my family moved to Duluth, Ga. I was a sophmore in highschool and moved from a small town in Alabama. In Alabama I was active in volleyball and softball. I did not realize it at that time, but those sports just kept me from gaining weight mainly because my eating habits were horrible. I spent alot of time being active and this would prove to be the only reason I would not blow up until my lifestyle shifted to a more sedentary type.
Much to my dismay the school I moved to did not have a volleyball team and the only softball team the school had was fast pitch. Well, fast pitch was not my thing, so I just joined the choir. Well, the choir is NOT an exercise for the body.... duh! While I adjusted to the new community, I consumed tons of calories and quit my active lifestyle. The endless consumption of the calories would begin to start my downward spiral to emotional eating issues.
The weight came on something fierce! I have heard many times that the amount of weight you gain doesn't truly hit you right away. I believe that to be totally true.. How many of us have either had our picture taken or one day woke up and freaked out at how FAT we looked. It was not until I visited back home to Alabama when I realized that I was out of control. As a young teenager I did not know how to eat correctly. I never had to worry about it because I was always active. Anyways, I began to realize that I had to do something. So, I joinged Weight Watchers (WW) with my mom and started to eat right and exercise. I believe I lost about 30 pounds and I felt great. I can remember one picture in particular where I thought I looked great (except the huge zit on my freakin chin)!!!
When I joined WW the first time I was 16. I say that because it leads me to my current pathway of changing my life.
We moved to Midland, Texas in 1997. I was not excited to move mainly due to relationships that I had developed in Georgia. I was 18 when I moved to Midland and a senior in highschool. I found out that the school had a volleyball team, but still played fast pitch. Something came over me and I decided to try out for the volleyball team. Now, it has been a good 2 years since Emily even stepped on the volleyball court and a good 40 pounds had nestled into the joints and muscles of ole Em's body. I decided to try anyways... oh dear Jesus, I wish someone would have stopped the fat, white, redneck girl from even attempting to try out. It was humiliating and I had forgotten how to do the majority of the plays. By far the most embarrassing days of my life. I ended up coming up with some fake doctors note about why I could not continue.... UGH can you say mortifying.
Well, those days of emotional eating crept back up... and off I went again. I don't know what it is about moving to a new place other than loneliness, fear, uncertainty.. to name a few.... that would cause someone to gain weight. But I did... oh man did I. I blew up to over 220 pounds. I joined the choir again because singing is the one thing I could do and I do it well! AND you don't have to be fit, tiny, or cool to enroll. Soon after joining the choir I started working as a student in the work program and decided that I needed to try and get the extra pounds off. I did the Atkins diet. Oh man...when I finished that I weighed about 175 and wore a size 14 pants. That was exciting for me because I can still remember wearing my moms black pants (her skinny pants)!! WOO HOO!
I stayed slim for a while and the weight started creeping back up after about 9 months. I went to college, moved out, had a horrible ending to a relationship all at once... here came the emotional eating issues... A-freaking-gain!!! UGH! Can you say learn from the past Emily?
I met my husband and I wore a size 18 the night I met him. Well, after 2 years of dating we got married... I wore a size 22 wedding gown!!! Now remember those gowns are just too dang small so I told myself that I actually wore a size or two smaller.... *you gotta do what you gotta do to not face the truth... you see*
I spent the next couple of years yo-yo dieting and my weight fluctuated about 40-50 pounds off and on these so-called diets. I went to nursing school and joined Weigh of Life.... I lost about 57 pounds and I felt great in the 2nd semester of school. Well by the end of school good ole Em had gained it all back plus the neighborhood friends!! I contributed it to the stress of school...don't get me wrong... nursing school was the definition of STRESS!!! (Can I get a holla from my nursing friends) If you did not get divorced, gain weight, or start cursing uncontrollably then you were failing out of school!!!
I ended up getting pregnant in 2005 and that pregnancy just about had every single problem you could have! I now know it was due to obesity. After Coop was born, I was severely depressed and I lost a bunch of weight! I looked great... but guess what... Emily got her some good meds and started to eat it up... there I went again... Blew up!!! Oh the patterns...
I joined WW again in 2007 and quit after losing about 20 pounds. I also did the Atkins diet, weigh of life, cabbage diet (OMG), and the rice diet. I can remember dreaming about rice.... disgusting. Recently in the past 2 years I did the HCG diet. I lost great weight on the HCG diet and got skinnier than I have been in a while (until now). I ate broccoli until my sclera was green... can't even begin to look at the stuff now... I eventually quit eating 800 calories a day and gained it all back. I wanted to get pregnant so I quit the HCG and I blew up again. Are you exhausted yet??? Well I am!!
This brings me to last January 2010. I started running and taking Hydroxycut for Women. Oh man that stuff was like encapsulated crack... I ran like Forrest and I started losing weight. I hurt my foot and had to go see a podiatrist...that was when I found out that I was pregnant. OMG!! It finally happened.
Well, that story is sad and long story short... I blew up one mo time!! (hopefully the last) I knew that I needed to do something, but my gosh I had tried everything and the same ending always prevailed. I went through some low cost fertility treatments and nothing worked. Looking back now I can say that it was a blessing (if you know me at all you know that is a difficult thing for me to admit)... for that time would prove to be the beginning to the New Life RN.
I spent the next couple of months exploring alternative treatments to fertility like herbal and surgical options and finally concluded after some sad news that I just needed to get the weight off and try again later. Now, imagine the feeling when you decide something needs to happen, but you just know it is going to absolutely kill you to even try.... well that was an emotional rollercoaster... If you haven't recognized a pattern to Emily and her emotions then you must be brain dead. BUT this time, I did not blow up... I only had 2 additional stretch marks to my butt cheeks... OK just kidding. But you have to admit it is funny though!!!!
So this brings me to about August when I was on vacation in Del Rio. We were sitting around the table and a friend's mom said "Emily... why is your neck so white?" Well, I responded that it was from fat. I had gotten sun burned during the day, but the sun never saw my neck. UGH.... I was embarrassed, but as usual Emily makes a funny joke to take the attention away from her true feelings. I knew right there it was time. I had put this off long enough and if I continued down the current road, I would be the woman that the ambulance would have to take to the doctor because she wouldn't be able to walk. OR I would be the woman that would be house bound, bed bound, and the patient that I cared for that a whole piece of cake fell out of her fat rolls when she stood up... (true story)!!!
It's funny, but you see when would I have stopped? When I was 300, 400 or even 500 pounds. You say, Emily that is ridiculous... but is it? I mean, I spent the last 10 years yo-yoing. I just happened to catch myself before the huge gain happened. We all talk about not paying attention to the weight gain.. and that is true to a certain extent, but we know we are headed in a bad direction... We just ignore it, bc it is easier to make the joke than deal with the true feeling of obesity and the issues it brings to the table.
So, August 22, 2010 on the way home from Del Rio I decided that I would start back on the HCG plan. I chose that because I would lose the weight super quick and then I would switch to WW to keep it off! I took the first picture on the way home (yes I was driving, and yes Jason busted me while I was doing it)!
Stay tuned for the rest of the story...
I have struggled my entire adult life with obesity. I guess it started back in 1996'ish when my family moved to Duluth, Ga. I was a sophmore in highschool and moved from a small town in Alabama. In Alabama I was active in volleyball and softball. I did not realize it at that time, but those sports just kept me from gaining weight mainly because my eating habits were horrible. I spent alot of time being active and this would prove to be the only reason I would not blow up until my lifestyle shifted to a more sedentary type.
Much to my dismay the school I moved to did not have a volleyball team and the only softball team the school had was fast pitch. Well, fast pitch was not my thing, so I just joined the choir. Well, the choir is NOT an exercise for the body.... duh! While I adjusted to the new community, I consumed tons of calories and quit my active lifestyle. The endless consumption of the calories would begin to start my downward spiral to emotional eating issues.
The weight came on something fierce! I have heard many times that the amount of weight you gain doesn't truly hit you right away. I believe that to be totally true.. How many of us have either had our picture taken or one day woke up and freaked out at how FAT we looked. It was not until I visited back home to Alabama when I realized that I was out of control. As a young teenager I did not know how to eat correctly. I never had to worry about it because I was always active. Anyways, I began to realize that I had to do something. So, I joinged Weight Watchers (WW) with my mom and started to eat right and exercise. I believe I lost about 30 pounds and I felt great. I can remember one picture in particular where I thought I looked great (except the huge zit on my freakin chin)!!!
When I joined WW the first time I was 16. I say that because it leads me to my current pathway of changing my life.
We moved to Midland, Texas in 1997. I was not excited to move mainly due to relationships that I had developed in Georgia. I was 18 when I moved to Midland and a senior in highschool. I found out that the school had a volleyball team, but still played fast pitch. Something came over me and I decided to try out for the volleyball team. Now, it has been a good 2 years since Emily even stepped on the volleyball court and a good 40 pounds had nestled into the joints and muscles of ole Em's body. I decided to try anyways... oh dear Jesus, I wish someone would have stopped the fat, white, redneck girl from even attempting to try out. It was humiliating and I had forgotten how to do the majority of the plays. By far the most embarrassing days of my life. I ended up coming up with some fake doctors note about why I could not continue.... UGH can you say mortifying.
Well, those days of emotional eating crept back up... and off I went again. I don't know what it is about moving to a new place other than loneliness, fear, uncertainty.. to name a few.... that would cause someone to gain weight. But I did... oh man did I. I blew up to over 220 pounds. I joined the choir again because singing is the one thing I could do and I do it well! AND you don't have to be fit, tiny, or cool to enroll. Soon after joining the choir I started working as a student in the work program and decided that I needed to try and get the extra pounds off. I did the Atkins diet. Oh man...when I finished that I weighed about 175 and wore a size 14 pants. That was exciting for me because I can still remember wearing my moms black pants (her skinny pants)!! WOO HOO!
I stayed slim for a while and the weight started creeping back up after about 9 months. I went to college, moved out, had a horrible ending to a relationship all at once... here came the emotional eating issues... A-freaking-gain!!! UGH! Can you say learn from the past Emily?
I met my husband and I wore a size 18 the night I met him. Well, after 2 years of dating we got married... I wore a size 22 wedding gown!!! Now remember those gowns are just too dang small so I told myself that I actually wore a size or two smaller.... *you gotta do what you gotta do to not face the truth... you see*
I spent the next couple of years yo-yo dieting and my weight fluctuated about 40-50 pounds off and on these so-called diets. I went to nursing school and joined Weigh of Life.... I lost about 57 pounds and I felt great in the 2nd semester of school. Well by the end of school good ole Em had gained it all back plus the neighborhood friends!! I contributed it to the stress of school...don't get me wrong... nursing school was the definition of STRESS!!! (Can I get a holla from my nursing friends) If you did not get divorced, gain weight, or start cursing uncontrollably then you were failing out of school!!!
I ended up getting pregnant in 2005 and that pregnancy just about had every single problem you could have! I now know it was due to obesity. After Coop was born, I was severely depressed and I lost a bunch of weight! I looked great... but guess what... Emily got her some good meds and started to eat it up... there I went again... Blew up!!! Oh the patterns...
I joined WW again in 2007 and quit after losing about 20 pounds. I also did the Atkins diet, weigh of life, cabbage diet (OMG), and the rice diet. I can remember dreaming about rice.... disgusting. Recently in the past 2 years I did the HCG diet. I lost great weight on the HCG diet and got skinnier than I have been in a while (until now). I ate broccoli until my sclera was green... can't even begin to look at the stuff now... I eventually quit eating 800 calories a day and gained it all back. I wanted to get pregnant so I quit the HCG and I blew up again. Are you exhausted yet??? Well I am!!
This brings me to last January 2010. I started running and taking Hydroxycut for Women. Oh man that stuff was like encapsulated crack... I ran like Forrest and I started losing weight. I hurt my foot and had to go see a podiatrist...that was when I found out that I was pregnant. OMG!! It finally happened.
Well, that story is sad and long story short... I blew up one mo time!! (hopefully the last) I knew that I needed to do something, but my gosh I had tried everything and the same ending always prevailed. I went through some low cost fertility treatments and nothing worked. Looking back now I can say that it was a blessing (if you know me at all you know that is a difficult thing for me to admit)... for that time would prove to be the beginning to the New Life RN.
I spent the next couple of months exploring alternative treatments to fertility like herbal and surgical options and finally concluded after some sad news that I just needed to get the weight off and try again later. Now, imagine the feeling when you decide something needs to happen, but you just know it is going to absolutely kill you to even try.... well that was an emotional rollercoaster... If you haven't recognized a pattern to Emily and her emotions then you must be brain dead. BUT this time, I did not blow up... I only had 2 additional stretch marks to my butt cheeks... OK just kidding. But you have to admit it is funny though!!!!
So this brings me to about August when I was on vacation in Del Rio. We were sitting around the table and a friend's mom said "Emily... why is your neck so white?" Well, I responded that it was from fat. I had gotten sun burned during the day, but the sun never saw my neck. UGH.... I was embarrassed, but as usual Emily makes a funny joke to take the attention away from her true feelings. I knew right there it was time. I had put this off long enough and if I continued down the current road, I would be the woman that the ambulance would have to take to the doctor because she wouldn't be able to walk. OR I would be the woman that would be house bound, bed bound, and the patient that I cared for that a whole piece of cake fell out of her fat rolls when she stood up... (true story)!!!
It's funny, but you see when would I have stopped? When I was 300, 400 or even 500 pounds. You say, Emily that is ridiculous... but is it? I mean, I spent the last 10 years yo-yoing. I just happened to catch myself before the huge gain happened. We all talk about not paying attention to the weight gain.. and that is true to a certain extent, but we know we are headed in a bad direction... We just ignore it, bc it is easier to make the joke than deal with the true feeling of obesity and the issues it brings to the table.
So, August 22, 2010 on the way home from Del Rio I decided that I would start back on the HCG plan. I chose that because I would lose the weight super quick and then I would switch to WW to keep it off! I took the first picture on the way home (yes I was driving, and yes Jason busted me while I was doing it)!
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| This was the last photo of me at my all time highest weight... Size 26/28 |
Stay tuned for the rest of the story...
Why you ask...
I have decided to blog my journey for a couple reasons:
I benefit from others stories of trials and tribulations.
I feel like if I am struggling, then someone else may be too.
I want to share my excitement!
I want to be held accountable by my family and friends...
but mainly I want to shed a light on the day to day issues of the struggles of obesity.
I spend the majority of my time worrying about what people may be thinking, I worry that I am being judged about my job performance, my marriage, my education journey, and my just personality.
I have been struggling with this issue for a long time and I just want others to know that it is ok and it will be ok... If Emily can do it..... I guarantee you can too!!!
Please comment on anything you want. I am open and honest and want to share my story. Please keep it nice and respectful due to the extremely sensitive issues being discussed!!!
Thanks to my family and friends for the awesome support and encouragement!!!!
I benefit from others stories of trials and tribulations.
I feel like if I am struggling, then someone else may be too.
I want to share my excitement!
I want to be held accountable by my family and friends...
but mainly I want to shed a light on the day to day issues of the struggles of obesity.
I spend the majority of my time worrying about what people may be thinking, I worry that I am being judged about my job performance, my marriage, my education journey, and my just personality.
I have been struggling with this issue for a long time and I just want others to know that it is ok and it will be ok... If Emily can do it..... I guarantee you can too!!!
Please comment on anything you want. I am open and honest and want to share my story. Please keep it nice and respectful due to the extremely sensitive issues being discussed!!!
Thanks to my family and friends for the awesome support and encouragement!!!!
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