March 2011

So now school has started again and I am already overwhelmed.  I am doing great on WW.  I am exercising and eating right.  This is a huge step for me because I can never get them on the same track. 

I lost 11.6 pounds this month and I am super excited to keep it going.  On March 26, 2011 I started running.  I could only run about 2 minutes at a time, but I knew i had to step up the exercise game.  What I did not know was that the dreaded plateau was just around the corner.  I feared this moment in my weight loss journey because in the past this was the time that broke me.  This was the time that I gave up and went right back to falling into old habits.  I couldn't stand the thought of it, so I just quit thinking about it.

I set a goal of running a 5K by May 21. 2011 which is the WW national walk it off day.  I set out to achieve this goal.  I have to stop a minute and shout out to Dana and Gini about their support and guidance during these last 2 months.  These two precious ladies have put my bootie to working out with them.  I already had an exercise plan going, but we all know it is better with a buddy.  And what better buddies than 2 skinny gals to keep me motivated. 

I ran every day for a week.  I started feeling fantastic.... but something changed in me.  I started starving for anything and everything.  I guess it is called metabolism.... something this ole girl has never had.  Well if metabolism keeps you hungry all the time, then I do not want any part of it.  What is even more irritating is this would be when I started the biggest plateau of my life. 

I will stop here and speak about negative thoughts that I harbor.  I talked about it briefly in a past post, but I want everyone to hear exactly what I mean.  I struggle with accepting compliments.  I can not simply say thank you rather I spout out a negative aspect about the compliment.  Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that if you can not accept a compliment then people won't give them to you.  I have been told so many times "Emily, just say thank you!"  How embarrassing is that!?!?!  I get so caught up in the head game of it all and it starts to weigh me down.  I spend 90% of the time trying to change my thoughts about myself.  I am difficult on myself and expect only perfection.  I get very angry with myself and often cut myself down to myself..........now that sounds healthy huh?

What I am getting at is I constantly tell myself that I am not going to make it until the end of this journey. I mean I have 80 more pounds to lose.  I can not get out of this state of being and if I do I will end right back up where i have ended for the past 18 years.  I mean really, Emily can't you just be positive?  Well, I really do think that I can; however, it is taking time.  I spend a lot of time comparing myself to everyone else.  I am embarrassed of the state of obesity that I allowed myself to get to.  i want to show the world the progress I have made, I just feel so mortified of the thoughts that others will think when they see those pictures. 

I had a dear friend look me in the eye and tell me "Oh my god Emily, you were getting so huge."  As bad as that tore me up inside, I knew it was the truth.  I am going to start inserting pictures every month so that maybe I can see the progress and start trying to focus on the good and focus on the good to come once I reach my goal...

March 2011